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Dec 22 - Jan 12,2002 |
Culture Vulture
TV We'd Like to See.
By Donna Lypchuk
Originally Published: 2002-12-01
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Teletubbies on beer
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The big television networks keep telling us that their new fall line-up of television programming is more exciting than ever! This is an outright lie. I have been a suckler on what Harlan Ellison calls "the glass tit" since I was two years old, and I think I have the authority to say that, if anything, television is more boring than ever! To liven up the programming a little bit, here are some suggestions for episodes of our favourite shows.
FEAR FACTOR: O.K., let's face it. Fear Factor is getting really predictable. It is the same damn thing every week. First they immerse the contestants in something, then they make them eat bugs or cow brains and then they take them to a really really high place on a crane. Sorry, but that constant sense of apprehension they're creating is getting really boring. Why don't the executive producers give the PEOPLE what they really want to see and actually have someone DIE. DIE. DIE ALREADY? Now that would be exciting.
DR. PHIL: Once, just once, I would like to see someone tell Dr. Phil off or even slap him across the face. Why has this not happened yet? The guy spends his time wringing every little last bit of grief, guilt and resentment out of his guests and then sits there like the Grand Poobah of Pop Psychology, while his guests quake in their boots and admit to psychological crimes that they didn't possibly commit. If they didn't feel some kind of emotional block or resentment before they went on the show, they certainly do after being mercilessly bullied, patronized, interrogated and judged for at least 30 minutes by this bald guy with a bad southern twang. Do the producers just find the weepiest and most submissive women that they can to guest on the show so Dr. Phil can act out his psychological S&M? We need to see an assertive type, like a biker with a length of chain every now and then because right now, looking at the succession of close-ups of trembling bottom lower lips from women about to burst into tears is getting BORING!
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