Culture Vulture

TV We'd Like to See.

The big television networks keep telling us that their new fall line-up of television programming is more exciting than ever! This is an outright lie. I have been a suckler on what Harlan Ellison calls "the glass tit" since I was two years old, and I think I have the authority to say that, if anything, television is more boring than ever! To liven up the programming a little bit, here are some suggestions for episodes of our favourite shows.
FEAR FACTOR: O.K., let's face it. Fear Factor is getting really predictable. It is the same damn thing every week. First they immerse the contestants in something, then they make them eat bugs or cow brains and then they take them to a really really high place on a crane. Sorry, but that constant sense of apprehension they're creating is getting really boring. Why don't the executive producers give the PEOPLE what they really want to see and actually have someone DIE. DIE. DIE ALREADY? Now that would be exciting.
DR. PHIL: Once, just once, I would like to see someone tell Dr. Phil off or even slap him across the face. Why has this not happened yet? The guy spends his time wringing every little last bit of grief, guilt and resentment out of his guests and then sits there like the Grand Poobah of Pop Psychology, while his guests quake in their boots and admit to psychological crimes that they didn't possibly commit. If they didn't feel some kind of emotional block or resentment before they went on the show, they certainly do after being mercilessly bullied, patronized, interrogated and judged for at least 30 minutes by this bald guy with a bad southern twang. Do the producers just find the weepiest and most submissive women that they can to guest on the show so Dr. Phil can act out his psychological S&M? We need to see an assertive type, like a biker with a length of chain every now and then because right now, looking at the succession of close-ups of trembling bottom lower lips from women about to burst into tears is getting BORING!
SEX AND THE CITY: Will one of them get AIDS and die already? So far the worst consequences of their promiscuous behaviour is that one has had to have a baby. It is hard to sympathize, since for five seasons now we have been wishing they would stop spreading their legs in the first place. Oh well, what do you expect from a show that is written for heterosexual women by GAY baby-hating men?
SURVIVOR: OK, so far this season all the contestants seem to be doing is paddling around in the sea and clustering around in a cave and bickering with each other. Also the challenges are boring. If they are that inane, why don't they just play Musical Chairs and have the last one standing be booted off the island? You think, with them being in Thailand and all, that they could present them with such challenges as "Freeing Tibet", "withdrawing from heroin" or resisting the diseases offered by the attractive members of Thailand's thriving sex trade.
JUDGE JUDY: I really want to see Judge Judy have one of her famous temper tantrums and then have a secret camera follow her into her chambers where we see her gulping estrogen pills or rubbing yam cream under her arms. Seriously, the woman is the very picture of hormone-related stress.
TELETUBBIES: I think it is time that we saw the Teletubbies for who they really are - raver stoners who drop tabs of ecstasy when the camera is not on them. Also it would really be great to see how they cope if transplanted to a more realistic landscape, such as the front lines in Afghanistan or the famines in Africa.
THE OSBOURNES: OK, I admit it... The Osbournes is pretty good. But just for once wouldn't you like to see the so-called "Prince of Darkness" perform at least one satanic rite? How else do you think the Osbournes got all that money it wasn't from making deals with God. Seeing Ozzy raise the dead or sacrifice a chicken or something would certainly be a guarantee of keeping my eyes glued to his series for a long time.

Publication Date: 2002-12-01
Story Location: http://tandemnews.com/viewstory.php?storyid=2032