What's in a name?

What's in a name? Does it spell out your destiny?
I once found myself in the care of a Dr. Domb. There are only two ways to pronounce Domb. When I called up I would ask to speak to either Dr. Dumb or Dr. Doom. Either way, I couldn't help but dread my eventual prognosis.
I once found myself in a telemarketing job phoning up members of the Ontario Medical Association with names like Dr. Blood, Dr. Nurse (guess what's on his mind?), Dr. Doctor (a bit redundant, don't you think?), Dr. Au (pronounced Ow!), Dr. McFeely (make sure you have a nurse present when he examines you) and Dr. Happy Bun Boy (who wasn't a proctologist but maybe he should have been). I also once had a gynaecologist named Dr. Fallis (pronounced "phallus"), which alluded to her expertise in that field.
In politics we have Premier Mike Harris (put a different emphasis on the syllables and you have Mike Harass), Prime Minister Chrétien (sounds like a derivative of the word cretin), and once we had Mayor Barbara Hall, who, of course, you can find at City Hall. We also have Mel Lastman, as in "I wouldn't vote for you if you were the Last Man on earth," and Sheila Copps as in "Sorry, for copping out on my promises." Coincidence or destiny? You tell me.
Dennis Rodman is a celebrity rumoured to have a really big rod. Brad Pitt is an actor whose acting is the pits. Ellen DeGeneres' name is only a few letters away from degenerate, which is what she has been labelled because of her sexual preferences. Tom Cruise's breakthrough movie was Risky Business, a movie about cruising girls. In Glenn Close's most famous movie, Fatal Attraction, she gets killed for getting too close to a man. Woody Allen gets woodies for young girls. Talk show host Rosie O'Donnell has what you might call a rosy disposition, and don't you just love Courtney Love now that she's had her makeover?
John Wayne Bobbitt had his penis cut off - his wife Lorena bobbed it. Steven Spielberg tells or spiels a good story. Fran Drescher, known for her fancy costumes, sounds like Fran Dresser. Heidi Fleiss' name means "flesh" in German and of course she was busted for peddling female flesh. Salman Rushdie's last name looks like shorthand for "rush to die" - just like the Ayatollah ordered.
The spookiest example, though, has to be Lady Di. Perhaps it is also no coincidence that the Princess of Wales soon also became the Princess of Wails. And note that her son William, nicknamed "Wills," at the centre of a conflict of wills as the Royal Family decides what to do with him.
History also proves that somewhere in your name is the clue to how you will play the game. Julius Caesar sounds like seizure, and he suffered from epilepsy. Oscar Wilde was a writer who went to jail for being too wild. John Lennon (sounds like Lenin) had decidedly Marxist tendencies, along with his wife Yoko Ono, and "Oh, no!" was what the rest of the Beatles thought whenever she walked into a recording session.
Perhaps if you don't have a clue what you're going to do, you should take a look at the spelling of your last name. Sometimes the answer is obvious - for instance, if your last name just happens to be Baker, Cook, Taylor, Gardiner, Bookman, Farmer, Smith (consider welding) or Walker (try being a postman) maybe you should take your cue from there.
However, if you have a last name like Killman or Devilfriend, I would consider getting it legally changed.

Publication Date: 2001-12-09
Story Location: http://tandemnews.com/viewstory.php?storyid=698