Marriage Crisis as Opportunity

Problems affecting Italian-Canadian couples and their openess towards counseling

I've been assisting couples in trouble since 1973, and many among them were Italian-Canadians; some of which had serious communication issues and were incapable of solving their problems constructively. In particular, I refer to second-generation Italian-Canadians, children of the emigrants of the 50s and 60s."
These remarks come from Dr. Luigi Marsura, holding a degree in Marriage Counselling and 30 years of experience in the field. Marsura always carried out his profession with dedication, interest, and a special attention to emotional and psychological conflict deriving from the breakdown of family communications, especially between spouses.
"I belong to a team of counsellors who work with Toronto's Catholic Family Services, an organization offering psychological assistance and counselling services to families undergoing emotional and relation problems," continues Marsura.
The services are offered to anyone needing them regardless of religious affiliation or ethnic background; however, in recent years many Italian-Canadian couples have been recurring to the specialists of Catholic Family Services, mostly for their matrimonial woes.
Dr. Marsura, could you give us your definition of 'marriage crisis'?
"First of all, we should pay attention to the etymology of the word crisis, which derives from a Greek verb meaning to judge, 'to examine. Therefore, contrary to popular understanding, a crisis is nothing negative or shameful; it is a moment for examining ourselves, our world, our choices. This analysis, unavoidable for any of us, offers us an opportunity for growth, for choosing new life paths or possibly confirming old ones. However, a crisis within a marriage entails a double exam and a rather significant emotional involvement, which can be complicated when one of the spouses refuses to accept change and commit to finding a new equilibrium. When a marriage crisis is faced without constructive spirit, there is a feeling of being forced to suffer meaningless pain and injustice. That is where adequate psychological support is required, in order to enable both spouses to see that a marriage crisis as a precious opportunity for re-discovering and re-opening communications."
Dr. Marsura, during your long counselling career you witnessed couples changing from the cultural and psychological standpoint. What's the difference between today's and yesterday's Italian-Canadian couples?
"Over the past 30 years, a great social and cultural evolution has occurred, modifying couple relations in depth and especially destroying some beliefs and behaviours that had been traditionally accepted within the Italian-Canadian community. Actually, the very idea of marriage counselling was practically unknown to Italian-Canadian couples of the 70s and 80s, which deemed talking with strangers of their problems awkward and inappropriate. The consequences of this 'domestic silence' were mostly borne by the women, who often tolerated the betrayals and violence of their husbands. Yesterday, Italian-Canadians got married without expecting anything from marriage except 'raising a family'. Today, on the other hand, Italian-Canadian couples focus more on their relationship, and expect deeper emotional involvement. It is interesting to note that, unlike their parents, many young Italian-Canadians request the assistance of a marriage counsellor who helps them solve their problems or communications issues."
Why do modern Italian-Canadian couples display greater acceptance of marriage counselling and psychological assistance?
"I think that this change depends directly from the different role of Italian-Canadian women in society and as a consequence within the family. Young Italian-Canadian women do not accept emotional frustration passively; they react tackling the crisis head-on and convince their husbands of the need of marriage therapy."
A veritable women's revolution...
"I wouldn't use that word. Women have simply acquired greater self-awareness, play active roles in society, are independent, hold jobs, pursue careers... and want the responsibilities of housekeeping and child rearing shared more equitably. What is true is that they are the ones requesting and managing these changes, and unlike their mothers they require respect and do not tolerate spousal violence and betrayal."
How do Italian-Canadian men react?
"They are confused and still harbouring traditional ideas on marriage, whereby women dealt with the house and the kids and men were breadwinners exempted from any such domestic annoyance. Men have a very different relationship with their families of origin... I've verified that many Italian-Canadian men subconsciously believe that their mothers were happy with such a self-contained lifestyle. Even if in a few cases this might have been true, in many more cases those mothers were far from happy. Actually, many mothers insisted on their daughters getting an education, so that as grown women they could enjoy full independence."
So, men and women have different relationships with their original families. Is this a typical problem for today's Italian-Canadian couples?
"This is certainly one of the reasons for troubles. On the other hand, the situation is often made even more complicated by continuous interference by the mothers of the husbands. This often prevents the men from growing up and tackling the challenges inherent in marriage. Unfortunately, very often the sons are accomplices of their mothers' invasive behaviour. Under these conditions, tension raises to the point of explosion. When this happens the partners cannot solve their problems alone, because suddenly they've lost mutual trust and communication becomes merely a weapon for humiliating their partner. Timely assistance by a marriage counsellor can help restore 'positive' communications, allowing the spouses to use the crisis as a chance for renovating their couple and getting to know their partner anew. This can reintroduce the lost 'glue' in the relationship."
Is there a recipe for a perfect marriage? What is it?
"There's no recipe, and there's no perfect marriage. There is only one's own marriage, and it must be protected as if it were a child, nourishing and nurturing it with care, in order to let it grow healthy and strong."

Publication Date: 2003-07-20
Story Location: http://tandemnews.com/viewstory.php?storyid=2963